monsters inc.

http://itdoesnthurt-itfeelsfine.tumblr.com/

im making a new one so you might as well unfollow me

i swear i think more intelligently in my head. and i CAN spell a lot of the words i dont spell right in my blog :[ VVV haha sometimes i fell so stupid BUT GUESS WHAT for christmas imma get an electronic spelling device thingy so mistakes be gone !

havent really written in a while aabout life or my day and all that shit :/ why? idk busy i guess. i get really depressed sometimes. i want my camp friends. i want people to love me and care about me. sometimes i hurt myself when im upset. and then for some reason i get happy from the pain. dont ask me why but its pretty much been like this since freshman year . idk why im writing this ! ANYWAYS im a pretty happy person other than that. stressed from work overload though. and oh! OH! OH! paul just asked ME for help! so that officially means im not dumb lol. PLUS minh got my phone number to call in history if he needs help so… im kind of important… LOL JK i suck at history idk why theyd take my number or ask for help xD weirdos! ok uh yeah a ton of homework comes my way ! :[ but hell thats the worse thats going on so i can take it .

idk if im friends with hunter anymore. i know just because we dont talk anymore doesnt mean we’re TOTALLY not friends but the way i see it is that he has an open invitation to come with me at lunch and nutrition and he doesnt to me and he can text me anytime and he doesnt and i purposely havent becasue if i was ever important to him then he should atleast try but NOPE. and i twittered something about like “omg its weird i dont talk to hunter i guess we were never friends” and ykno i meant like i guess i never mattered to him and i totally forgot people read twitter just cuz idk i forgot he liikes to check up all the time for updates and not that i care that he can read it cuz i mean its nothing but truth and he texted me with like DONT CALL ME OUT OVER TWITTER OMG YOU KNOW WE ARE FRIENDS AND I THOUGHT OUR FRIENDSHI_P COULD LAST WITHOUT CLASSES TOGETHER and first off i OBVIOUSLY wasnt calling him out and like so did i. untill you left me and stopped talking to me. and its like im not gonna ask him to hang out anymore ill let him make a move becasue im tired of having to be all HANG !? :D cuz if we’re such good friends then why the fuck dont you try. so thats been in my head lately and its weirddd but idk i like to check twitter when i get home and stuff and it seems hes not too happy with his life still so i see not hanging out with me hasnt really helped / messed up his life so thats good. i silently lefttt.

sometimes kenny bugs. not a lot but idk he reminds me of david sometimes when hes talking to me about stupid shit. like IDK ill tell you what david does and kenny does like the same thing only over phone so atleast i can ignore it. ok so david will try to discuss something with me only he acts like hes some smart shit and knows all about what hes talking about and hes dumb as shit so he dont and uses a big boy word every once in a while like idk his grammer will be like standard and then to seem smart hell throw in a word thats more than six letters qnd then hes always like OMG YOURE UNCULTURED, YOURE STUBBORN, YOURE IGNORANT. no YOU are fucking stupid and are trying to act like you know something. so fuck you im right, not stubborn, right. so yeah i can picture david doin that right now and KNBINHNIJNNHBINKNN its the most annoying shit in the world i have no idea how people can talk to him. i cant picture kenny doin it right now since its over texts but FUCK it makes me so mad when (sorry) stupid people try to talk to me like they know something (im being horriblly insulting im sorry but idk im being honest) and honestly, theres a reason why i do much higher lever work than you guys. because im smarter. you idiots. and I ACTUALLY KNOW THINGS i talk about and dont run around saying shit like a dumbass cuz oh my teacher says this or blahblahblah STFU NO.

i really wish people would tell me when i piss them off or annoy them. I’D LOVE someone to write that ^^ so i could atleast know for one so its not like a secret(i hate people keeping secrets from me) and i could like understand where theyre coming from. and its not like i hate him. at all. im not even mad at him ! haha and yeah i could see why it would seem that way but everyone grinds my gears and its easy and if someone upset me and i like held a grudge i wouldnt talk to anyone!

hmm i hang out around william and jonathon at lunch and nutritian because theyre actually pretty like true friends maybe because they have no where else to go ? idk haha. i love william to bits and i like hanging out with him and johnathon can be funny SOMETIMES but omg hes annoying me :/ he eats so disgustingly and its just pretty nasty . hes nice to me but idk im stuck with him. i cant be picky or ill end up alone !

HMM WHAT OTHER FRIENDS CAN I LOSE TODAY…. haha jk. idk i really dont think what i say about friends is mean just because, idk cuz i know everything i say is the honest truth and id rather say something kinda harsh then just pretend i love them when i dont. OH OH OH IMMA WRITE ABOUT MY DAY :] how weird haha it feels good to write !

L is for the way you look at me…

The kind of person youre first attracted to. um funny. polite. smart. sometimes i really like shy guys, but mostly i like really friendly outgoing ones. NOT RUDE. um not lazy. um idk and a genuinly good person. if they speak like really intelligently. oh and if they play guitar or love my music thats like an added plus :]

Do you believe in love at first sight? i dont base on looks soooooo no

How do you show someone you are interested? i just try my darndest to talk to them haha its pretty pathetic 

Is there such thing as a perfect relationship? well every relationship has problems but over coming the problems makes it perfect 

How do you know when someone thinks youre attractive? i dont hah

How do you know its right? idk

Could you date someone who has been only your friend for a long time? um if i’ve been like secretly inlove with them for years then yeah ahha

What do you wear to attract the opposite sex? uh i dont really change. haha maybe i should but idk you cant fix ugly.

What makes someone sexy? SO MANY THINGS. being smart, flirtatious, slick, funny, their laugh, their shyness A LOT 

Are you uncomfortable staring in to someones eyes who likes you? i wouldnt know

Do you come across as confident, sexy, friendly, subtle, or innocent? um i think friendly or idk idk 

When someone catches your eye, do you try to make eye contact or avoid it?  avoid and then look back at them later lol i dont think anyone likes me so i feel like theyre thinking OMG CREEPER LOOKIN AT ME haha

Your favorite colors of eyes in the opposite sex. i love green and blue eyes but honestly it doesnt matter

What makes you sexy? im not :p 

O is for the only one I see…

Describe your signifcant other or crush. GORGEOUS. shy. idk hes so cute ahaha thats all i can think about and jknhbgridgnqkjwhi he plays guitar :}

When are you the most happy in a relationship? single fo eva :{

Do you believe in soul mates? Have you found yours? kinda. um idk probably not. lol i probably dont have one.

How many people have broken your heart? lol everyone breaks my heart without knowing it xD not like relationship wise but what some people have been through and blah blah blah :{ 

Would you ever cheat or have you ever cheated? no.

Have you ever loved someone who didnt love you back? i love people too easily. but its probably not real love :p 

Have you ever given someone your entire heart? no and i dont think ill ever be able to trust someone enough to do that

What kind of things do you do to show someone you are theirs? ive never been someones :/

Is there ever a happily ever after? maybe somewhere 

Do you want to grow old with someone or be single? grow old with someone

Are you a hopeless romantic? YES AND ITS VERY PATHETIC

Whats the most romantic thing anyones ever done for you? uh idk nothing

What are you like when youre in love? happy

Describe your dream person. strong. both physically and mentally. i wanna know that if i fall apart he can fix me. um idk really smart. very giving and caring and idk loving my music and funny yet serious enough to have deep conversations with me.

V is very, very extraordinary…

What has been the weirdest date youve ever been on? none

Whats the most money a boyfriend or girlfriend has spent on you? 0

Which one of your relationships was the shortest? 0

Which was the longest? 0

Are you friends with any of your exes? nope

Do you wish you were back together with any of your exes? nope

Do you ever have dreams about your exes? nope

If you want to get married, what age? like 25ish

Are you open or closed because of past hurt? pretty closed because i dont actually think anyone can love me :p 

What is your philosophy on love? it just happens 

Who would you die for? an absolute stranger

Who do you secretly yearn for? david duh haha for like no reason. well i have reasons but like omg i never like REALLY talk to him and i dont know him too well i think i just like him because hes beautiful and i have no one else to like. well i do but he makes me mad :]

E is even more than anyone that you adore…

The reason you love your signficant other or crush. hes so cute haha IM NOT SHALLOW BUT IM NOT GONNA PRETEND TO NOT LIKE ATTRACTIVE GUYS and idk i love talking to him :]

Would you change yourself for someone you loved? no.

Would you give up a dream for someone you loved? hmm not completely

Would you quit a job for someone you loved? if they could provide enough to where me working makes no sence. or like if they had cancer and needed me 24/7 then yeah id quit my job to take care of them.

The thing you love about relationships: itd be nice to have someone who you know cares about you :/

The thing you love about being single: i know no different lol 

The person whos on your mind right now: this one boy who its like i like him but, i dont. idk. i dont want to.

i hate how im getting all upset over something so superficial :l

so ugly and fat. i look in the mirror always dissatisfied with what i see. clothes never look good on me and no make-up can fix this face. Ive been exercising and making better decisions but i see no results. I’m still huge. i want to be able to wear tang tops and shorts and not look so disgusting. so its like well then do something about it! but i am! im just obviously not doing a good enough job because i still look as fugly as ever. i wear a bracelet that says courage and a necklace saying hope, they’re my motivation everyday but I’m just not getting any results :/ if i was a person who threw up a lot I’d be a bulimic. but I’m just not someone who feels comfortable with throwing up. plus i feel as though its the cheaters way out. so are diet pills. but id love to have those. :/ i just want to be able to look in the mirror and think “you look ok”. i want to look the way i feel i look on the inside. ugh I’m sad :p why cant i be one of those people who are naturally thin ! or someone who sure they put on make-up all the time but it actually makes them look pretty. its funny i write this because i pretty much preach the message, “looks don’t matter.” and when i see other people that’s completely how i feel. but its so difficult to see something in the mirror everyday that you pray was different.

So I’m going to attempt to write a total recap of exactly what happen or rather what I remember happening at camp this year starting with Saturday, the day I left.

So Saturday I woke up much earlier than normal and my hair looked like shit and I was nervous about camp and seeing everyone and we got to the y at like 8:30 which is late because you’re supposed to get there at 8 but the busses don’t even show up till nine so too fucking bad and when I got there I purposely didn’t make eye contact with the boys lit cabin because I knew matt and Anthony would like say hi and they’re my friends but I don’t know I guess I was like fearful of interaction ? xD anyways I went to my group and saw the familiar faces of Brittany, Christi, Megan, Devyn,  Nicki, and this girl Breanna who I have seen many times at camp but never had the pleasure of meeting. There was also this black girl named Brianna

Omg I am too distracted right now talking to Ben and Anthony so I’ll finish later. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

Ok ahem…

There was this black girl Brianna and she was only like thirteen which is super weird that she’d be in my cabin because that’s a big age difference. There was this ginger looking girl, not ugly ginger, who was super tall, like 5”11’, and had pretty red hair and freckles. Her name was Katie and she was 16 years old. Then the last girl was named Lynsi and she was 17 and she and Katie were talking to each other. Before we got on the bus I introduced myself to the girls I didn’t know and Katie had brought her guitar and told us she liked to play and I was like oh how cool I like to play too. Then we went on the bus and I was uncomfortable and I wanted to sleep but I never did and reading harry potter on the bus isn’t enjoyable. And then, we got to camp. Immediately your nose is filled with dirt and your eyes adjust to the beauty that beholds you. We went to camp fire to eat lunch and I had a sandwich and I mostly talked to Megan and Katie and I was trying to talk to everyone actually. Then we went to our cabins and me, Brittany, Nicki, Megan, and Devyn already knew where to go because lit girls are always cabin 5 and when we got there I was thinking I’ll get my bunk from last year but Devyn ran up and took it so I took the one on the other corner.  Then we got our luggage and basically we had then till dinner to do whatever the hell we wanted so we just talked with each other and I was like Katie play your guitar and she was like ok ill sing too. So you know I’m expecting like mediocre playing and an ok voice and then BAM she was like serenading me and she was such a beautiful voice and is great on the guitar. And when she was playing everyone else in the cabin got quiet and was like O M G. like really she’s professional status. And then she told us how she’s been recording and trying to make it big and she sang a Taylor swift song and she’s way better than her. So then we had her play like fifty songs from her and dude she was so good!

So we had a lot of time and I was like ok people come with me because I have to go say hi to friends. So a bunch of us went to the guys side and I went to the lits cabin and I knew where matt was but I’m stupid so I looked at Anthony and said where’s matt? And he was like right here and I was like HEYYYYY! And then Anthony was like omg we yelled your name and you never said hi and blah blah blah and then Ben comes around the corner and is like you haven’t seen me in a year and you don’t say hi and I was like HI! And yeah it was kind of weird especially because like I had a bunch of girls with me who weren’t talking to the guys so I was just like ok, let’s go. We all got nicknames in our cabin just for fun and for easier remembering. Devyn turned to No Name Wilton, Brittany just Sepeda, Nicki just Pham, Megan to Squirrel, Brianna to B-green, me to Jack, Lynsi to Lu, Breanne to Breezy, and Katie to Big Red. The only nicknames we really ended up using were Breezy, B-green, Lu, and Big Red. That night for twilight we did a scavenger hunt with the little boys and we mastered it and won because hell yes we are the best. Camp fire was absolutely everything I had been waiting for and I screamed so loud and I love it. :] That night for devotions I think Christi just had us answer a bunch of random questions from her All About Me book and of course I was crying like a baby. I get so emotional camp. I think it’s because all of a sudden everyone really cares about you and wants to know your opinions and accepts you and its so judgment free that you can say whets in your heart and cry about it and everyone’s ok with that. J

Sunday I got up early and took a shower. People exaggerate and always say camp showers are the most horrible thing in the world but let me clear this up for you, there IS hot water, you can take 30 minute showers if you really want, and as long as you wear flip flops to keep your feet clean in the showers they really aren’t that dirty. The schedule that we’ve all known for years had changed and now chapel was after breakfast which is just extremely weird but whatever. So we ate breakfast and then we went to chapel but there were people there so we played a game called look up with some younger girls and then we played bang and holy crap that game is fun. Eventually the people left and we went to chapel and sure enough we sang Rise and Shine and omfg I’m going to type it out for the less fortunate. (Caution it’s an extremely long song.) “The lord said to Noah there’s gonna be a floody floody, lord said to Noah there’s gonna be a floody floody. Get those children, outta the muddy muddy. Children of the lord. SOOOOOOO RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY GLORY, RISE AND SHINE AND GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY GLORY, RISE, AND, SHINE, AND, GIVE GOD YOUR GLORY GLORY. CHILDREN OF THE LORD.

And I really don’t feel like writing that whole song out.

Ok so we cleaned our cabin after chapel and off too our first activity! I think it was riflery! I got a couple bullzeyes :D and I don’t know, I’m just good at shooting guns.  I remember we also had arts and crafts this day and I remember because it was with the boy lits and I talked to Anthony and matt a bit and made a crappy bracelet and I remember thinking like “Oh, last year it was easier just going off to the guys and being all talkative because Nicole makes me that way.” We also had our camp picture taken and that was cool. Ahaha not. For twilight we did the oogle egg hunt which is a new thing for the long time campers. Usually we grease up the watermelons and stick them in a lake and we go out in canoes and race to get them and bring them back but instead  this year the counselors took the watermelons  and sat on them and they yell “OOGLE OOGLE OGGLE!” until we find them. We were the first done because Christi told us she’d be over by our cabin lol. So we sat at campfire and ate the most delicious watermelon in the world. After when we were all just doing nothing me and Katie(since she liked Anthony) talked with Anthony and matt for a while but me and matt were mostly the ones talking and it is so nice to like talk to him again when you think like I haven’t talked to him since we were thirteen. Like wow. Or it might even been when we were twelve. How crazy ! So camp fire was super duper fun as usual and I sang mostly with Katie and we bonded and honestly this was the day me Megan and breezy. Can I just say that I love ending campfire with everyone holding each other and singing Kumbiya(or however it’s spelled.) It sounds like the cheesiest thing in the world but hey, I’m a pretty cheesy person myself.

So for devotions tonight Christi told us we’d be going on a hike with the boy lits. But then she told us we wouldn’t be doing a hike and we’d just do it at camp fire with them and devotions is usually just us lying in bed and talking about life and stuff like that so we were all unknowing of what was going to happen and I was pretty excited. So we all went down to campfire and the boy lits were already there waiting and it was really dark with only the light from the fire but I could recognize some faces. So we sat down and Kevin(the boys counselor) talked to us about hearing what’s around us and how small and insignificant we are in the world and then he had us all spread out and lie down on the floor and just stare up at the stars without talking for two minutes straight. To my surprise no one acted immature and we were actually able to take in what Kevin was trying to get across to us. Then Christi had us get into a boy girl boy girl type of circle and so I went over to stand between Joey and Matt. Not even thinking like “oh I know them! / have seen them before!” I just went to open spot. It’s simply a lovely coincidence that me and matt are old friends and I think Joey is BEYOND cute and he was going to ask me to the dance one year but he chickened out and he’s got blonde hair<3 MY FAVORITE <3 hahaha sorry. So first Christi was like we need to gain comfort ability and remove awkwardness so we sat there in the circle and held hands. AND I LOVED IT! First off its like, “Oh Matt I missed you!” and then it’s like “OMG JOEY I LOVE YOU!” hahahaha. So we sat there holding hands for like literally five minutes and like our hands lessened in tension till it was completely comfortable and when we released it sucked because it was so flipping cold outside and my hands get pretty damn cold so I was freezing! Christi and Kevin did a lot of spiritual talking and just really deep stuff and they were telling us stories and quoting from several places and they talked about what camp is to them and Christi said something like “Well I know that to Brittany, Jacqueline, and Nicki this is home and one of the few places they feel completely free to be who they are….” And like I’m not going to lie, like the fact she even brought me up out of like (ok there were probably only twenty people sitting there) everyone just made me really happy. :] She also brought me up, without saying my name, when talking about like relate ability because she was telling this story about previously that day and it was about me and Lu. Plus Kevin is like super Zen and I don’t know really crazy most of the times but truly a clam and deep and mystical type of person so that was awesome. In the middle of all this talking we did an exercise where Christi says something and if we can relate then we raise our hands for like ten seconds, make eye contact with those around you who you have this commonality with and then we move on to the next one. It’s basically all of us getting comfortable with how we feel and knowing that we are not alone in our struggles and things like that. Like one, for example, was, “If you have ever acted differently in order to not be left out.” Or there were ones like “if you’re a girl and people have been mean to you because you weren’t girly enough” and “If you have ever felt completely alone” and “if there’s always that one person that you’ll never be good enough for.” And I really think everyone was being honest because it wasn’t like the whole UH OH IM THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THIS WAY because there were always at least five people who could relate to all of them. Later, they asked if anyone wants to share and I’m always that one person who during the whole conversation is thinking what they should say.  Ben rose his hand and was like “Well I don’t really have anything to share, but my name is Ben and hey!” LOL And then I think Anthony shared and he said something like “… and I’ve been friends with Jacqueline and Matt for the longest time because of this place.” And my heart went “AHHHH<3” hahahah. I love being brought up in talks about how people love stuff. Then Brittany shared and I don’t quite remember what she said but I don’t know Brittany always says nice heartfelt things at devotions so I’m sure it was nice. Oh I remember she started to cry though and the thing was when you wanted to send your love you put up the love sign to them. Sounds really cheesy but it’s completely comforting and loving. Then I felt it was a good time for me to just jump in and it was so dark so you couldn’t be like raising your hand to speak like it was open discussion style and ok I’m going to start off by saying I am the biggest cry baby/emotional wreck at camp. At home I never cry in front of people. At camp I don’t give a flying fuck who’s around me, I’m letting it all out. So I said in my trembling about to cry voice(which I hate because in my head I’m saying WTF CALM DOWN THERES NO REASON TO CRY but I honestly can’t help it) I said, “This is my eight year and camp has changed me a lot(pause to try and hold in tears that are pushing out) I used to be really shy, and think no one cares about me, (now in tears and just slurring out the next line) but I came here…. And it’s like…. They do care.” And cue the salty tears streaming down my face. And the best part was after when I looked up at almost everyone giving me the love sign and Joey putting his hand on my back to comfort me and I swear it was there for like ever. AHHH :D hahahaha. So after me a few like people shared. Like a maybe two. I only remember two. I remember this guy named Kevin who is super weird and we call package, told us about how he used to want to kill himself all the time and (this is like his 3456789year at camp) how camp changed him into a more positive person and totally upped his ego and things like that and it was really sweet and I saw him in a better light than just that annoying kid. The only other person I remember sharing was this guy who I think this was his first year and I don’t remember what he said. :p OH JOEY SHARED TOO. He just said something funny about him being loud and stuff. But yeah and I mean Christi and Kevin talked more about stuff and then eventually we got up and left and I told Christi like thank you so much, that was amazing, because it like truly was. Like a night I will never forget and hope to share with more people so that they can have the same experience. Utter loveliness. LOL ok here’s something funny. So everyone was really tired and Christi left the cabin to meet with the counselors or something and then Red, Breezy, and Megan come in busting a gut about people farting and everyone was like shut the hell up but in a nice way but I sleep right around all of them so I was like taking charge and doing my best to get them along because girls are cranky when they are tired so it’s best to avoid hazardous situations. But oh my god I was just like GO TO SLEEP GIRLS. Hahaha.

So that was the first two daysss.    

i didnt cover it nearly as perfect as it was so dont think this is exactly how it went :] this is like a snippit of the amazingness of the first two days.